Twin accepts the distinction with typical grace and wackiness
LOS ANGELES – MARCH 20, 2008 – Mary-Kate Olsen has been named honorary president of the Los Angeles Handbag & Gladrags Association (HGA). The group is made up of homeless people primarily within Los Angeles County.
HGA Chairman Moe Perkins, who has lived under a bridge for the last eight years, said the association chose Mary-Kate because of her “quirky sense of hobo fashion” and because “if she wasn’t worth several hundred million, she’d probably be right here on the streets with the rest of us.”
At a ceremony Friday in a downtown alley behind a Thai restaurant near Olympic Boulevard and Grand Avenue, the 21-year-old actress told a crowd of about 125 vagrants and ne’er-do-wells that the way a person looks does matter and that fashion should be able to cross all socio-economic boundaries.
Mary-Kate: fashion should be comfortable
“I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for honoring me this way,” Mary-Kate said. “Who cares what we look like? I say it’s all about being comfortable, whoever you are, no matter how many personalities you might have or what kinds of inner disturbance you live with every day.”
The crowd clapped. One deranged homeless man dropped his pants and pretended to be Theodore Roosevelt.
“People are always saying I look like a sick piece of rat shit,” Mary-Kate went on as she pulled her black, moth-infested shawl higher up on her shoulders. “I say fine, let them say what they want. I believe in being myself, even if it means coming off as being as poor as . . . well, all of you guys.”
The crowd cheered. While Mary-Kate scratched a bleeding cut through a gaping hole in the knee of her 12-year-old jeans, two homeless children snuck up behind her and stole money out of the Wal-Mart sack she’d brought to the event instead of a purse. Mary-Kate walked to a Dumpster, pulled out a chicken carcass and said, “I’d eat this shit. I don’t care what people think. Money only goes so far in making you happy. I’m really into grass roots.”
Chairman Perkins told those gathered that Mary-Kate is a fine example of somebody who can “afford $6,000 Chanel sweaters but chooses to buy $6,000 Armani sweaters instead and rip them all to hell so they look like something you’d find under the porch of a house that hasn’t been lived in for ten or twelve years.”
Ashley to the rescue
Before Perkins could continue, Mary-Kate’s twin sister, Ashley, showed up with four bodyguards and a German shepherd. A psychotic homeless woman thought the dog was Lassie and tried to call it in for dinner. The dog growled at her, and the woman threatened to get “Timmy.” Ashley was wearing a dark-purple Armani sweater and black Ralph Lauren jeans over black suede shearling Christian Dior boots. She walked up to Mary-Kate, took the chicken carcass out of her hand and touched her gently on the wrist.
“Let’s go,” Ashley said calmly.
“Where are we going?” Mary-Kate said. “I just got here.”
“No, just get your Wal-Mart sack and let’s go home.”
“But they’re making me the honorary president of the homeless people!”
Ashley turned to Perkins. “I’m really sorry for the mistake,” she said. “Mary-Kate can’t be president of anything. And I’m a little upset that you guys would lead her on like this. She’s not in any condition to take on more responsibility. She has severe issues.”
Perkins apologized, saying he didn’t realize Mary-Kate was in such bad shape.
Ashley opened her Louis Vuitton Miroir Palladium Gold Minaudiere purse and pulled out a bottle of lithium, a drug that helps to stabilize manic episodes, and then a second, larger bottle, this one containing the drug haldol, which is used to treat a variety of mental conditions including schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorders.
“Here,” she said to Mary-Kate, giving her one of each pill and a bottle of Evian. “Just take these and let’s go home.”
“Thanks, Ashley,” Mary-Kate said and swallowed the pills. She whispered, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
“Okay folks, show’s over,” Ashley told the crowd, which began booing her and threatening to get “Timmy.” As she and Mary-Kate walked down the alley, Ashley said, “Are these the type of people you want to be associating with, Katie?”
“I just wanted to make some new friends,” Mary-Kate said. “For the last two weeks, my radio has been telling me to get out more, and that porcelain soap dish you bought me has started playing The Fisher King again, so this seemed like the best thing to do.”
